Beginning the Holiday Season Without My Husband
During my therapy session we discussed how I planned to handle this first Thanksgiving without my husband. I was given the assignment to create a blog post the day after. As I am writing this my son is in the next room playing music. I make a note that I need to purchase a pair of noise canceling headphones. This is not my usual writing time and usually my son is at work and I have the entire house to myself. However, since it is a holiday, everyone is home and there is noise in the house to which I am not accustomed. One more thing through which to persevere.
After leaving my therapy session I began to think about Thanksgiving and what it would entail. For about three days I felt a considerable bout of sadness. I subscribe to “One Fit Widow’s” page on Facebook. It always has timely advise for those of us dealing with grief and how it has irreversibly changed our lives. A resent post dealt with the effects of being overwhelmed and how overwhelm sometimes comes over us and we find it difficult to interact with the world. This sometimes causes us to feel as though we are not accomplishing anything and that in fact, we are throwing away time and opportunity. Yet, it cannot be pushed to the side and is simply something we must go through and allow to pass at its own pace. That post and a post by Candice Benbow explaining that she was withdrawing from social media and other activities during the week that marked her mother’s death, helped me to realize that I was in the process of being overwhelmed and that my best bet was to just allow it to happen and if I have to spend a day or days on the couch covered with a blanket, it’s okay. That’s what I did. I decided that to deal with what might be a challenging day, I needed a day of complete rest. So, I spent the day before Thanksgiving on the couch in front of the television under a blanket. That evening I planned what I would wear to dinner the next day, what time I would leave to go to my sister’s house, and prepared to gather the items I was to bring to dinner. I had a few opportunities to fall completely apart but the rest and prayer made it possible for me to successful maneuver those situations.
I started Thanksgiving just as I start every day, in prayer. A few days earlier I returned to the practice of keeping a prayer journal. I have been beset with anxiety which manifests as discomfort in my core with bouts of gas and lower to mid-back pain. There is a scripture that advises us that instead of being anxious we should tell God what it is we need and want to happen. I started a list. Now, each time I experience anxiety I think about what it is I need or want to happen, and I add it to the list.
I got dressed early and went to the store to acquire the items I needed to take to dinner. I was fortunate that there was a store near me that had everything I needed. I felt accomplished. I was ready to go to my sister’s house but was having difficulty locating my adult children concerning our time of departure. My sister suggested that our brother come to get me and that my sons could come when they were ready. A marvelous idea! I always enjoy time with my brother and the conversation during the ride was great. Good conversation always works wonders for me.
My sister and her daughter had been cooking all day preparing for dinner. She and her adult children live in the house we grew up in. That house always provides comfort for me. We greeted each other with hugs and laughter, and I was able to watch football on television with my brother and simply relax. My sons, grandson and future daughter-in-law arrived soon after and the house was filled with even more laughter and conversation. There was so much food! All the traditional fare and a few things that I had never seen on the Thanksgiving table. I ate a little of all of it and mindfully enjoyed every smell, taste, and texture.
Conversation is always on point when my family gathers. There is little or no talking during the actual eating of dinner. But, afterwards, we delve into all types of topics. We talked about the pandemic and how it was affecting our lives. We talked about the elections and how we felt that present leadership was adversely affecting our ability to move forward as a country. We talked about local politics. We talked about racism, white supremacy, and our own effort to attempt to fathom what is really going on with people in this country. At one point there were several conversations going on at once. We know how to do that. There was however no religious conversation and no coffee drinking. That was probably since my other brother was not there. He generally requests coffee.
As the evening concluded I found that I was full of food, ideas, new thoughts, and joy. That’s and unbeatable combination in my book. My oldest on drove the car so I didn’t even have to do that. After calling my sister to inform her that we had all made it home safely, I put on my night clothes and went to bed. I ended the day just like I started it, in prayer. I was thankful to God for the love and comfort of my family.
When I arose this morning, there was a tinge of sadness and a few tears. I miss Oscar and Daddy and Mama. There was music though coming from my grandson’s room, then from my son’s room. I drank my morning coffee and Red Velvet cake was my breakfast. After my morning devotional I sat down to write this blog. My son was playing hip-hop on his phone, M&M, I think. Later I recognize the lyrics from a familiar song, “Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head. It’s like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.” I begin dancing in my chair as I wrote. Cancel the order for the noise cancelling headphones. The sounds of my family are the perfect solace for my soul.